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Supporting Grieving or Stressed Students

Krissy Reyes
  • Updated

What grief can look like in school-age kids

Grief isn’t only about death—it can follow many losses (divorce, moving, foster placement, etc.). It’s personal and non-linear; reactions vary widely across students and over time.

Common reactions include trouble concentrating, irritability, clinginess (younger), withdrawal (older), sleep/appetite changes, regression, and academic dips. Prolonged or intense impairment should be discussed with the family.  

Students who are experiencing grief or stress during a big life event may need additional support during their tutoring sessions.
 

Developmental notes

For context, here is how different age groups are developing and how that might affect their actions:

  • Grades 2–3 (approx. ages 7–9): Concrete thinkers; may ask repetitive questions; benefit from simple, honest language and routines.
  • Grades 4–5 (9–11): Beginning to grasp irreversibility; may worry about the safety of others; appreciate choices and predictable check-ins.
  • Grades 6–8 (11–14): More abstract thinking; may mask feelings, seek peer privacy, or express with sarcasm/anger; value autonomy and confidentiality (within safety limits).
     

Core principles for tutors

Here is what to do as a tutor:

  1. Reach out to the guardian. Let them know you are there to support and are flexible to adjust tutoring as needed. Example: Hi [Parent/Guardian Name], I’m very sorry for your family’s loss. I’d like to support [Student] by being flexible with scheduling and workload over the next couple of weeks. Please let me know what feels best and if scheduling changes would help.” 
     
  2. Invite the student’s lead. Example: “How would you like to use our time today?” 
     
  3. Follow the student. Offer choices (talk, work quietly, break, game, drawing). Participation may fluctuate session-to-session.
     
  4. Keep routines + flexibility. Start with your normal structure, then flex as needed (shorter tasks, extra breaks). Predictability helps.
     
  5. Validate feelings and normalize grief. “Many kids feel sad, mad, or tired after a big loss. There’s no ‘right’ way to feel.”
     
  6. Focus on tutoring, not therapy. Offer academic support, a steady relationship, and a bridge to school/caregiver supports when needed.
     

A simple session flow 

  • Warm start (1–3 min): “How’s your day on a 1–5 scale?”
     
  • Mini-check-in (1–2 min, optional): If the student brings up the loss, reflect briefly (“Thanks for telling me; that sounds really hard.”) then ask, “Would you like a few minutes to talk or to get into work?”
     
  • Focus block (10–20 min): Work on academic lesson.
     
  • Regulation break (2–5 min): Box breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4), stretch, or quick drawing.
     
  • Close (1–3 min): Name one win; preview next time; remind the student they can choose how to use the time.
     

Language that helps (and what to avoid)

  • Do say: “died” (vs. “went to sleep”/“lost”) to reduce confusion; “I’m sorry this happened; I’m here.” Ask openers like “What’s been the toughest part at school?” 
    • Follow the students’ and families’ lead on customs, names, and what is shared. Ask neutrally: “Are there words you prefer I use?” or “Anything you’d like me to know so I can support you respectfully?”
  • Avoid: Probing for details, clichés (“everything happens for a reason”), toxic positivity, promises of secrecy regarding safety issues, or religion, as families may have different beliefs and traditions. 
     

Academic supports you can provide 

  • Break work into chunks; extend time; reduce non-essential workload; allow alternative demonstration (oral instead of written).
  • Track small gains; expect “good days/bad days.”
     

When to loop in adults or escalate

Immediately share concerns with the guardian and Step Up at tutorsupport@stepuptutoring.org if you notice:

  • Talk of wanting to die, hopelessness, or drastic behavior changes; social withdrawal, giving away belongings, or self-harm signs. These are red flags— do not keep this a secret. 
  • Prolonged inability to function at school/home, severe regression, or persistent physical complaints—these may warrant evaluation by a child/adolescent mental-health professional.
     

Boundaries & documentation

  • Keep brief, objective notes if helpful (date, student choice/participation, strategies used, any concerns).
  • Do not collect graphic details about the death or other private family matters; you only need enough to support learning and safety.
     

Quick reference one-pagers (for tutors)

Tutor scripts

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